Iron Maiden 1

Iron Maiden 2

As usual I’ve been slack about updating this site so here’s a double bunger from the legends themselves, Iron Maiden.

These are Aussie tour shirts from the Somewhere Back In Time and The Final Frontier tours from 2008 and 2011. Maiden must make a fortune as these were at least $40 each and a hell of a LOT were being sold. I do love that Maiden still make tour shirt designs specific to the country as they have been doing for most of their career. Most are the equivalent of the Simpsons making an episode about a foreign country and full of cringeworthy stereotypes but it’s more endearing with Maiden and of course I bought these due to their tackiness.

The Somewhere Back In Time tour was the first time I saw Iron Maiden and it was an awesome gig at Acer Arena as the place was packed and the only newish song they played was Fear Of The Dark. Having listened to Live After Death MANY times I was in heaven for this gig and they didn’t disappoint. Plenty of weird shit going on with the front of this shirt inexplicably showing Eddie having killed some kangaroos with a road sign in front of Ayers Rock. The backprint is quality too and I love the blue healer dog and slouch hat and the fact he appears to be holding a VB stubby. I’m not sure why he’s riding a shark but I assume it’s a reference to surfing. The only thing that pissed me off is the flag flying on the wrong side.

The 2nd is from the tour for The Final Frontier where I saw them at the Sydney Entertainment Center. I was supposed to see them a few days later at the Soundwave festival but I had a horrible bout of gastro and so after seeing the Melvins and discovering Slayer couldn’t play as Tom was sick, we just pissed off back to Canberra as I could barely stand. As you can see the artist has added some nicely bizarre Australian references with a Killers era Eddie about to bash a skeletal kangaroo Eddie with a didgeridoo in front of Ayers Rock while yobbo aliens cruise around in a moon buggy. Hmm that’s a familiar theme but at least the Aussie flag is flying correctly in this one.

They are coming back to Australia in May and I’m tempted to see them again. If I don’t I’ll get someone to buy me a tacky tour shirt at least.

I think this is a Discordance Axis shirt but it may be a Gridlink or Hayaino Daisuki shirt. There is a reference to Grindcore Ninja Commando Team on the DA album The Inalienable Dreamless so I’ll go with that. The photo didn’t come out too well as the shirt is a brighter blue in real life.

I bought it off Jon Chang (or maybe his wife) at MDF 2010 as they had second hand shirts for sale for a brief period in the tiny booth inside Sonar. I think it was just in a box of mixed up clothes and I wish I dug a little deeper as who knows what was in there. I managed to miss most of Gridlink that day and walked in just as they were finishing which pissed me off to no end. Although it turns out they only played for 15 minutes so it’s not surprising I missed them.

If anyone can translate the Japanese please feel free to post a comment.


This is one of my most charming metal shirts from Californian death metal blokes Impaled and their first album The Dead Shall Dead Remain. Fairly self explanatory cover of some poor chap having a unfortunate time on the bogger. I had the pleasure of seeing them play this whole album live at MDF in 2014 and finally got to see the song Trocar which I love so much.

I remember wearing this to a gig at the legendary old Canberra metal venue Rock Ape and having a drunken nightmare woman come up to me and try and read the logo. I really wish I could remember what she came up with but it certainly wasn’t Impaled. She didn’t seem to be offended by the photo though. All class.


The latest stupid metal shirt of the week is from Colombian/US black metal chaps Inquisition. The front print is art by the somewhat controversial artist Antichrist Kramer who has produced a lot of art for Inquisition as well as other bands such as Pseudogod and Vasaeleth. My childish side loves this “eviling up” of religious images although I think Grand Belial’s Key do it better. The back words are lyrics from the song Baptized In Black Goat Blood from the killer album Magnificent Glorification Of Lucifer and I like the classic woodcut art. All round a nicely blasphemous shirt.


The latest stupid metal shirt of the week is from one of my favourite Aussie bands, Melbourne goregrinders The Day Everything Became Nothing. This is from their album Brutal which was 7 bloody years ago so I hope they plan on following it up sometime soon (not holding my breath). I love the simplicity of the front combined with the barely readable, chaotic logo on the back. Also below is an official film clip of their awesome song Cut which I think works well with this post as they looks like tools channeling Lost Horizon. Sorry lads.


OK here is one of the most offensive shirts I own which of course makes it one of my favourites. This is from my favourite death metal band Autopsy and a detail from the super sick art of their brilliant Acts Of The Unspeakable album. I generally hate big backprints like this but as I’m such a fan boy I allow Autopsy to get away with such tacky sentiments. In reality I think their gore/sleaze lyrics are among the best as they are super perverted but quite amusing too and not I-am-dead-serious-that-I’d-torture-a-prossy-with-a-rusty-cheese-knife style of modern brutal dm bands. The whole artwork for Acts.. is below as well so click on the image and see a bigger version where most of the horrific images are visible. The artist took the song titles/lyrics and fashioned the lovely scene and I suspect the front detail on this shirt was inspired by the song Spinal Extractions with the back text being a line from the song Orgy In Excrements.

This was another wonderful present from my mate Jesse as if I recall correctly we did an order from Relapse in the mid 90s ordering 2 of these and only received one which he got. Not sure why as I’ve always been a huge Autopsy fan so I must have bargained poorly that day. The shirt is in excellent condition which is unsurprising as neither of us had the balls to wear this much in public.

I did break my usual rule of not wearing a shirt of a band that’s playing and wore this to the 2010 Maryland Deathfest where I saw Autopsy live for the first time. As you can read in the link I was pretty damn spellbound by their set and was very proud to wear such a charming shirt to one of my favourite gigs. I have plenty of other Autopsy shirts with my Mental Funeral longsleeve being my favourite but this is definitely the grossest.



Here is my latest offering for stupid metal shirt of the week. This is an ancient shirt from New York thrashers Nuclear Assault from their classic song Hang The Pope and is probably from 1988 or so. I was gifted this by my old mate Jesse who left me a huge box full of old thrash shirts, LPs and best of all old Canberra demo tapes which are rare as hens teeth. A few more of my planned stupid metal shirts are from his collection as the thrash world provided some fine examples of extremely cheesy shirts. I actually don’t think this shirt is particularly stupid and from a metalheads point of view it’s awesome but I suspect your average person from the street might be a bit offended.

Unfortunately Jesse was quite slim so this is a little tight on my not-so-slim frame and I’ve actually only worn it once. I wore it to a Municipal Waste gig on their first Aussie tour which is a complete blur as I had quite a few too many beers. I remember trying to talk to legend drummer Dave Witte afterwards at the Townie about his previous band Human Remains but was too trashed and probably just dribbled shit. Very blurry night although I do remember waking up the next day to find one of the other blokes cleaning up his vomit from his bed and the floor. Thankfully none was on this awesome shirt which has lasted well for over 25 years.

Nuclear Assault

Welcome to my new regular feature poking fun at heavy metal shirts with stupid designs. These shirts range from highly offensive to silly to just plain weird. Now don’t get me wrong as I love these bands and proudly wear these idiotic shirts (well most of them) but I am well aware they are pretty cheesy. These are my own shirts from my way too extensive collection and once I run out I’ll probably start farming TShirtSlayer or something similar. I will accept submissions to so feel free to send any in and remember the stupider the better.

OK first up we have this charming long sleeve from the one and only Impaled Nazarene from their 1999 tour of Australia and New Zealand. This was a quite eventful tour as they were banned from playing one gig due to a right wing Christian idiot politician called Fred Nile and I think they nearly died in a potential car crash in New Zealand. I saw them in Canberra where I had no power to resist the awesomely stupid back print of this shirt. The gig was hilarious as their sound was a complete wall of noise where all you could make out were the vocals and the drums. Being a fan, this was OK by me as I could somewhat decipher the songs but I wondered about how any newbies in the crowd fared. Singer Mika won an even larger chunk of my heart by not only sounding amazing but also being super sleazy on stage and waggling his tongue around every chance he had. Sydney black metal legends Nazxul supported on this tour and ruled supreme too. The venue where this gig was is now a womens gym. I’ve seen footage of this gig on video but am not sure if it was ever uploaded. Fun times.